Hello again!
Can’t believe I’ve written four times in two days in a row here. Maybe it’s just because I can’t talk to anybody but you, my dearest friend. It’s been five years now that you’ve listened to my story, and I know you’ll never get bored. Even though I’m getting older, I am still me. And you know me very well.
So, as you know…
I am in love with the most hateful person in the world. Not because he hates people, no. He’s the kindest, most cheerful, funny man who once treated the world as his favorite game. One he’d always love to conquer. He never had a single shitty thought about anybody. When he dislikes something, it’s never personal. He also never hates anyone so deeply that he could play God by planning revenge. He’s the easiest person I’ve ever met. At least, that’s what I see on the surface.
Did you know that I learned so much from him? Well, maybe he was the first person who taught me how to give myself self-respect. By giving me endless support for my dreams. Ah, dreams! You know how much I didn’t like to share any of mine. It was because I didn’t believe people would see them as big as I do. And this person, miraculously, understands what I am into.
So… He never hates people. Rather, he hates himself. For not being good enough for himself and the people around him. Sometimes, he hates how natural it is to make mistakes. How fine it is to disappoint people. He hates when the Earth finally touches its darkest side, so that he can’t provide any light for us. Because that’s what he always does. Because that’s who he is.
I keep reminding him that there will be so many problems. Yes, I’m quite sure that I can be one of them. Maybe the biggest of them all. But there’s nothing he can’t defeat. He’s so strong, and I know that without needing any further explanation. Why do I believe that? It’s just because he has proven it a million times. He’s a modern Achilles, and he’s also mine.
God, I love him so much. Simply for being human.
It’s not the first time he has decided to pull himself out of the world, including me. He sometimes takes the momentum when I am pissed or when he’s so pissed that he can’t handle it. He then becomes a stranger in our relationship, leaving me no clue or any pinpoint as to where the hell I should begin. Or finish. Maybe he’s just simply being human. With his own fucked-up mind, endless problems, and other things that only God and he himself know.
It’s just temporary, isn’t it?
Or… is the time finally up?
Well, I don’t have a clue either.
Dear friend, you know that I never set limitations on any of my relationships. I wanted them to be long-lasting. A never-ending bittersweet story to be told to my grandchildren. Maybe I’m that old. I can’t be a girl who plays around and falls for another. I don’t want any of my relationships to hit the expiration button, but…
You know,
I was wrong. I am wrong.
Nothing has ever been set to be FOREVER. Everything has its own expiration button. Now or later.
Visible or not.
But if I could have a wish…
This man right here. The one I’ve told you about. Maybe I interpreted him wrong, but I don’t care. I hope he finally gets that life will never pick favorites. Everybody gets happiness and sadness equally.
So at least, he could hate himself less. Day by day.
