Hi folks!
(Look how an introverted person talks to her imaginary friends.)
Today is Sunday. Supposed to be a day full of sunbeams and such, I think. But not today, not the other day, not the day before the other day, and not nine days before today. Somebody says the weather will be like this until February. I’m sick of rainy days and the gloomy effect they cause. I don’t know, maybe I’m not in a good mood, or my mood board is ruined by a single stupid, silly mistake.
I’m sorry for dragging you into this, folks.
I guess I’ve never learned my lesson.
Which is…
Stop being a control freak.
I had a huge, huge, huge talk with three friends yesterday, in three different places, and I couldn’t hold back my tears listening to their wise words. Or maybe I’m just so fucked up that everything sounds poetically wise? Again, I don’t know.
A friend named X told me,
“It’s not entirely your fault for being a control freak. You’re the oldest kid in the house, and you need everything to be perfect—or you’ll be damned if it isn’t. I mean, the first child has a responsibility toward their younger siblings. They tend to protect, care, and (shit!) worry. And sometimes, it’s too much. The eldest also tends to think that it’s their fault if everything goes wrong.”
But you know what? I’m so damn tired of being like that. I want to care less, be less protective, be less of everything. Especially when my over-controlling behavior hurts someone so badly.
Yet, I’ve never learned anything at all. I lost people I loved because I was an over-controlling bitch.
And another friend of mine, named O, told me,
“Your whining time is over. Now think about what your life is gonna be and what you’ll do with it. If you hurt somebody, ask for forgiveness. And if it’s not granted, maybe they’re just not ready to accept your ‘mistake’ as ‘a mistake.’ Get over it, and be someone who sees a mistake for what it is. Learn your lesson. And if you want to cry, cry now. Don’t cry for months, begging someone to come back if they don’t want to. Please, I’m begging you. This is the very last time you cry!” (Yes, he begged while I was sobbing.)
I hate the process. I mean, I’ve been through this before, and the lesson was never learned. Maybe I’m just not leveling up. I hate how I have to walk around with my head full of regrets, apologies, and words that were never spoken (nicely). I hate being me sometimes.
And another (cute and pretty) friend of mine told me,
“It’s not easy to let go of people who don’t want you anymore. But you can’t be cruel to them by not letting them go. And you can’t be cruel to yourself either, by following your ego. I know it isn’t easy. It isn’t as smooth as I’m saying it. You’ll cry in your bed every night, wishing upon nothing that he will stay.”
I’ve been through a moment like this. I cried a lot. I was a miserably skinny, self-tortured bitch. I was in that phase.
That’s because I have never learned my lesson.
