I do have faith, you know. In something that is leading. In something that’s real. In something that is whispering.
“Come. This way. Come. This way.”
In spite of the fact that not once, not twice, I keep doubting it, but it always leads me back to the track.
Well, have you ever lost something and you’re afraid of not finding another to replace what’s lost? I live that exact life. I have a fear of losing that hasn’t built in a day, that is gained with all my efforts, relentlessly, every day. And replacing it with a new one is just the same as starting over from the very beginning. Not that I don’t want to, but I think my time to rebuild is no longer as much as yesterday.
My fear of losing everything may be associated with my accomplishments so far because I have not gotten them. At least, not yet. Or maybe I just stand my ground and keep believing all the tales I’ve created in my own mind. When reality says no, I refuse to listen.
It somehow hits me. What if I just live an ordinary life? Not by questioning everything, not second-guessing anything that’s brought to me. I just need to see things as opportunities, not something to be piled up and chosen whenever another option comes up. Maybe I just think too much. Or maybe, I don’t want “the other options.” What if I just walk my path, not by my own choice?
Maybe life would be much easier.
No,
I’m not talking about giving up.
It’s just me talking to myself. What if. What if. What if.
You know,
I have had faith for a long time. I lost it many years ago, and somehow, it was restored.
But what if faith is just a trick of my mind? What if it is just a fairy tale that my mind created? Because, you see, sometimes it’s even more dangerous when you are unable to see reality.
Well…
Nihil pretiosi facile capitur.
If my mind has tricked me this badly, then I want it over. Everything should be over. Anything I own has to be gone. I want to end this. Because they are all linked to each other inside me, forming a powerful bond that strengthens me. If I have to lose one, then I’ll lose everything. So what’s the point of turning back to zero if my mind is the strongest memento? You can’t just walk past something you’ve seen in the past without feeling anything, right?
If I lose everything, in conclusion, my world will collapse.
My faith has taken me this far. Yet, I still doubt my own guts. I’ve taken my freewill pill—it’s bitter enough—and I don’t intend to swallow more. If it’s worth fighting for, then it should be a badass life. A life I’ve never experienced before.
They say,
“Nihil pretiosi facile capitur.”
Nothing worth having comes easily.
So the result has to be majestic. A very decent kind of life.
